Grace is a common theme in my life if you haven't read my blog posts, heard me lead a group, talked with me about what you're going through, or heard me mention my favorite book. I love grace, but I mostly hate it. Allow me to explain.
I don't deserve grace. I understand that's the whole point of it, but it's exactly why I hate it. For most of my life I've been working at deserving love, affection, attention, admiration, friendship, praise, and affirmation and I feel I must prove my worth. So when I'm in relationships where I must prove my worth the part of me that hates grace is completely satisfied. What sucks is when they don't notice how hard I'm working to gain their approval and it feeds the lie that I'm not good enough- that there's something wrong with me.
Last Sunday I revisited feeling unworthy of those that show me love. Ironically, Allie was preaching on entitlement. In this area of my life I cling to being entitled to disgrace, humiliation, and death, but not in a humble, God-fearing way. It's definitely selfish and attention seeking.
When I gain a new role I find it harder to believe and live in grace. My automatic response is to prove my worth and try to gain what I want or need. Being a girlfriend has been a new role I have found myself in this year and, last week, when I felt undeserving, it had much to with not being a "good enough girlfriend." I don't deserve Nathan's attention, affection, admiration, respect, time, friendship, or love because I have done nothing of great consequence to earn any of it, but he constantly refutes these lies I have clung to and showers me with affirmation.
I am amazed at how God shows me His grace through people. God is "suppose" to give grace because that's one of His remarkable attributes, but, when a fellow human shows me grace, I see God working through them. I hear God saying that He is at work in miraculous ways in the hearts of men and women and it is through people like Nathan, friends, family, and co-workers that I'm reminded of who God is and how I don't have to prove myself as deserving of His forgiveness and love. He shows me that being me, with all my imperfections, is enough.