I'm not sure where to begin. There has been a lot of activity in my heart lately. I can see the string of events that have lead to this restoration process I find myself in. I want so badly to say my heart has been healed, but that would be not be an accurate portrayal of my current status my heart is in. For most of this year I have been searching for something to fill a void I perceived was in my life. I longed for someone to fill this void with their constant attention. I wanted someone to say the right words that snapped me out of my "funk". I wanted someone to tell me that I had every right to be bitter and frustrated with my situation. I thought that maybe if I could pull people down with me that at least I wouldn't feel so incredibly lonely. I rejected any answer I thought was cliché even if it was truth. I didn't want God near me because I believed that he would tell me to do something I didn't want to do and I didn't think he had anything good to offer since he hadn't given me the one thing I thought would be good for me. What would God have to offer that I would actually want was my question. I kept him and others at a distance. I hurt people I dearly love and continued down a path that was painful and devastating. I was overwhelmed by the hurt I felt and bitterness I lived in. I believe that when I started this blog I was hoping for a resounding AMEN about my singleness and an encouragement to be upset about the injustice I thought I was experiencing. I longed for something different though. I had hoped that someone would tell me to cut it out, grow up, and move on, but that didn't happen. I didn't want this to be a blog full of bitterness but hope, but when I started I had no hope to offer. I had shut hope out because I had shut God and others out.
I have seen my heart soften lately. Friends have shared with me the hurt that I caused them and I have seen the consequences of holding onto bitterness. I experienced unnecessary and unexpected grace that allowed me to experience what it means to have a God that accepts where I'm at. The Lord shared with me that he is good and does not hold things back from us that we want to see us squirm, but because it is not the time for those good things to be given. I feared that God would take my heart and shatter it into a million pieces. I feared that when I brought it to his "work bench" that he would take out the hammer, chisel, saw, and ruler and begin the painful process of being changed by him, but then the Lord shared with me his grace and tender love towards me. He showed me a picture of my heart wrapped in several hard casings. He took them off one by one with his hands and when he got to the cold, fleshy heart he held it to his chest and brought life back to a heart that I thought I was suppose to take care of. He offered my heart protection with his hand and a heart beat to follow. He didn't use the tools or try to break apart the heart he had created he only brought it back to life… abundant life. I have learned that God gives us more than we can think or imagine and that I don't have to come for my daily portion, but for exactly what he has for me… whatever amount that may be.
I haven't figured things out. I'm still working on restoring relationships that have been hurt and damaged. I have hope in this restoration process. And for once I'm okay using the word process and not hoping for a quick fix. I am realizing that I can't fix myself and my search for some sort of answer to some sort of question isn't a search that leads to any where good. I hope to continue learning, growing, and rejecting bitterness. It is still a fight, but I am consoled that this fight isn't mine that I need only be still and allow God to fight for me (Exodus 14:14).
