Invasion of the Heart

I'm not sure where to begin. There has been a lot of activity in my heart lately. I can see the string of events that have lead to this restoration process I find myself in. I want so badly to say my heart has been healed, but that would be not be an accurate portrayal of my current status my heart is in. For most of this year I have been searching for something to fill a void I perceived was in my life. I longed for someone to fill this void with their constant attention. I wanted someone to say the right words that snapped me out of my "funk". I wanted someone to tell me that I had every right to be bitter and frustrated with my situation. I thought that maybe if I could pull people down with me that at least I wouldn't feel so incredibly lonely. I rejected any answer I thought was cliché even if it was truth. I didn't want God near me because I believed that he would tell me to do something I didn't want to do and I didn't think he had anything good to offer since he hadn't given me the one thing I thought would be good for me. What would God have to offer that I would actually want was my question. I kept him and others at a distance. I hurt people I dearly love and continued down a path that was painful and devastating. I was overwhelmed by the hurt I felt and bitterness I lived in. I believe that when I started this blog I was hoping for a resounding AMEN about my singleness and an encouragement to be upset about the injustice I thought I was experiencing. I longed for something different though. I had hoped that someone would tell me to cut it out, grow up, and move on, but that didn't happen. I didn't want this to be a blog full of bitterness but hope, but when I started I had no hope to offer. I had shut hope out because I had shut God and others out.


I have seen my heart soften lately. Friends have shared with me the hurt that I caused them and I have seen the consequences of holding onto bitterness. I experienced unnecessary and unexpected grace that allowed me to experience what it means to have a God that accepts where I'm at. The Lord shared with me that he is good and does not hold things back from us that we want to see us squirm, but because it is not the time for those good things to be given. I feared that God would take my heart and shatter it into a million pieces. I feared that when I brought it to his "work bench" that he would take out the hammer, chisel, saw, and ruler and begin the painful process of being changed by him, but then the Lord shared with me his grace and tender love towards me. He showed me a picture of my heart wrapped in several hard casings. He took them off one by one with his hands and when he got to the cold, fleshy heart he held it to his chest and brought life back to a heart that I thought I was suppose to take care of. He offered my heart protection with his hand and a heart beat to follow. He didn't use the tools or try to break apart the heart he had created he only brought it back to life… abundant life. I have learned that God gives us more than we can think or imagine and that I don't have to come for my daily portion, but for exactly what he has for me… whatever amount that may be.


I haven't figured things out. I'm still working on restoring relationships that have been hurt and damaged. I have hope in this restoration process. And for once I'm okay using the word process and not hoping for a quick fix. I am realizing that I can't fix myself and my search for some sort of answer to some sort of question isn't a search that leads to any where good. I hope to continue learning, growing, and rejecting bitterness. It is still a fight, but I am consoled that this fight isn't mine that I need only be still and allow God to fight for me (Exodus 14:14).

Cookie Cutter Shapes.

As I reflect on the past 5 years of interacting with my pastor, Heath Pearson, I realize that parts of my worldview have changed due to my interactions with this man and the words he spoke to our congregation over the years. I have always believed that each person is different, but somehow I thought that people were like cookie cutter shapes. There are many different cookie cutter shapes and variations. The thing about these cookie cutters is that they make multiple cookies of the same shape. I thought that was how people were different. There are different shapes, but multiples of different shapes.

When I first met Heath I felt very strongly about cookie cutter people. It became evident when I was frustrated with Heath's pastoral style. It was my belief that pastors were to be outgoing, enthusiastic people. It was their job to shake hands, greet people, counsel them, and seek people out. When Heath never did this I began to resent him. I was bitter and frustrated that my new pastor was not qualified to shepherd a flock correctly. He wasn't cut out to be a pastor. In my opinion as a sophomore in college he was trying to fit into a shape that he wasn't made to be. I was hurt that they would put such an introverted man in the position of pastor.

A message that Heath preached over 3 years ago convicted me of my bitterness towards him. I realized that I had wanted him to introduce himself to me and learn my name. I had wanted him to make me feel comfortable in the church, but I had been there before him. I had already established myself (somewhat) in the community. I asked for his forgiveness for acting that way. It was really awkward and uncomfortable to approach the man I thought was suppose to be a certain way and admit that I was in the wrong. I also had an expectation that because I made a step towards him that it would help him become the pastor I thought he was suppose to be, but again I was wrong.

I wanted to find another place to participate in church. I wanted to be a part of a church where the pastor knew my name, saw all of my potential, and asked me to be a leader. I was (and still am) a prideful person. Yet, for some reason, the Holy Spirit kept asking me to stay a part of this community. I didn't want to obey, but thankfully I did.

Heath also felt frustrated about our community at one point as well. I am thankful that he was obedient and stayed. I am thankful that he decided to allow God to use him. I am thankful for the redemption that took place in Heath's life. I thankful that God decided to use Heath and that we were able to learn so much from him.

Throughout the past five years I have been able to watch Heath become the pastor he was made to be. He didn't become the pastor I thought he was suppose to be, but I was able to learn how to play my own role in the community. We never became best buds, but he still impacted my life with his words, actions, and the people he discipled. Heath took us through difficult scriptures and unpacked them with hope and grace. He lead us with humility and authenticity. He allowed himself to be vulnerable with us and was willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of the community. Heath preached boldly and challenged our beliefs. He helped us see the world differently and allowed us the chance to grapple with difficult realities. He didn't sugar coat the gospel and he never gave us pat answers.

His messages about identity and hope have impacted my life. If I had left my community due to my frustration and bitterness toward Heath I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be continually struggling with the concept of grace because I would have continued to be content with rules. I would see people's issues instead of their potential. I would have viewed my counseling classes with little hope and tried to embark on this journey with determination to do it with no help from my community.

I realize that it was the God in Heath that made the lasting impact, but I am thankful that Heath was obedient and allowed God to use him the way he did. The 509 Community will forever be impacted by this man. Brother, you are missed, but we trust that you are pursuing what the Lord has asked of you.

 

 

Regrets?

I wrote the previous post a month ago and posted it only a few weeks ago. Since it had been a while since I actually read though it all the way I decided I may want to reread what I wrote. It was refreshing to read through it again. I was encouraged by the comments I received here, verbally, and through email. Thank you.

 
My mom asked me if I regretted what I posted since I had been so honestly raw in what I said. I've been thinking about it and questioning myself, but I have come to find that I do not regret it. I want there to be honesty about life that people can connect with. I write like this for several reasons. I write because I want to connect with others. I want to see people talk about things instead of hiding them from everyone (I don't mean everyone should broadcast what they are hiding, but at least talk to someone). I want some sort of outlet to express my thoughts about life and get feedback from people. I have learned and felt a lot of new things in the past couple of years and I feel a need to share it. I want to know I'm not the only one that thinks this and let others know they are not alone. I want to try something different.

 
For a while the Lord has reminded me that he has created me to be different. All of my life I have just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be able to dress like everyone else. I wanted to know music like everyone else. I wanted to quote movies or tv shows like everyone else. I've wanted to sing, know scripture, be outgoing, volunteer more, get grades, be content, be passionate, travel, make money, have friends, date, lead, and artsy like everyone else. But the Lord has been calling me to embrace who I am. This is hard. It takes discipline. It takes a lot of grace and that is something I struggle to understand. So I'm encouraged that I have people that will "walk" through this with me and connect with what is happening in my life as I go through this process.

 
Two verses that come to my mind as I try to walk this out are 1 Peter 1:16 and 2 Corinthians 10:4-5.


  1 Peter 1:16 says, "for it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" Betsy Hake (my mentor for an internship I did with Jericho Ministries) said that she looked up the Greek for holy. It means "no longer useful for ordinary life". I am not meant to live a normal, ho-hum life. I have been changed to live a life that is different and extraordinary. This is a helpful verse and a great reminder. Thanks, Betsy!


  2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says, "for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ." This verse is so powerful! As Christians we are equipped to with a divine power to destroy strongholds. DESTROY! Seriously that's awesome. I have had this thought that I would just have to deal with many strongholds for the rest of my life, but they can be demolished and torn down. That is exciting! The thing is though I believe that it is going to be a process. It is going to mean that I take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I believe I learned this in one of my grad school classes, but I'm not entirely sure. I was told to visualize a thought or image actually being chained or caged and placed at the feet of Christ and tell it to be obedient. I am amazed at how truth floods my mind when I do this.


 One of the things that kept me from starting a blog earlier is knowing that people I know will read this. People that I interact with at work, school, and church will know what is going on in my life and may make judgments on it or connect with it. I may say things here with vulnerability that may embarrass people. I can't say I'm sorry because I want there to be an avenue that people can talk about taboo topics and not feel like they are crazy. I hope to work through things tastefully and with discernment. If you have a concern please let me know. If you are going through similar things lets talk about it and help each other through this maze of life.

I wrote this during a solitude time trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted and took a picture of it on my cell phone. I'm still trying to convince myself...

Learning to be just me.

I am tired of wishing I was someone else. I am tired of pretending that I'm okay with where I'm at, but I'm also tired of being discontent with where I am in life. I am tired of thinking that if I was dating or married that somehow life would be better for me. I am tired of comparing myself to others. I am tired of living this life the way that I have been living. I am tired of checking to see if anyone notices. I am tired of hoping that this one change will make a difference somehow. I am sick of hearing that it is okay to want something I don't have and to keep hoping it will one day happen. I am exhausted from thinking that my fairy tale is around the corner. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I am sick of the notion that if I was somewhere else that things would be better. I am tired of thinking that if I had made a different choice that it would have been the "right" thing. I am tired of hoping he's the one that will actually notice me. I'm tired of pretending I'm not human. I'm tired of wishing I was married just so that thinking about sex was okay. I wish I didn't have to act like being single was really awesome. I wish I actually thought being single was really awesome. I wish I actually believed that just because no one has asked me out doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me. I'm tired of hearing "don't worry you'll get married some day." I'm tired of pretending like my desire to be a mom isn't that big of a deal to me. I am sick of being ashamed of my love of photography because I'm not as good as some people. I am sick of reading blogs by inspirational wives/mothers because I wish I was them. I am sick of climbing into the bubble bath alone. I am tired of being alone. I wish I had that guy to call like everyone else… dating or not…at least they can go to sleep knowing that in the morning they can still think about him knowing he will probably call or will come when beckoned. I'm done trying to be everyone else's Katie.

I want to learn to be me. I want to learn to live with who I am right now.

Single.

Alone(ish).

Longing.

Hoping.

I want to embrace the fact that I like photography.

I want to be okay with me and not worry that I don’t look like everyone else when I do it.

I may not be called their "best friend" but I can still be their friend.

I don't know what it is like to be anyone else, but I think that is what I have always tried to be.

I can't be a counselor like Dr. Davis. I can't be a student like Naomi Woods. I am not an organizer like Steve Razor. I am not a photographer like Matt Ayers, Ashley Ray, Matt Gerlach, and all those other photographers I enjoy. I am not a roommate like any of the other girls in this house. I am not the girl that every guy wants to date. I am not a runway model and I don't have curvatious hips.

And maybe all of that is okay.

Maybe… I'm realizing… it is okay to be a counselor like Katie Razor. Maybe it is okay to be a student like Katie Razor. Maybe it is okay to organize like Katie Razor. Maybe being a photographer like Katie Razor is actually good enough. Maybe being me is the way I'm suppose to be a roommate. Maybe I'm just a girl that guys _____________________________. (I have absolutely no idea.) Maybe being petite is fine and my hips don't need to be wider. Maybe being me is all I can be.

If I don't do things the way I was made to then no one else will.

Maybe I don't have to fit in all the categories given. Maybe I'm both introverted and extroverted. Maybe I will never be a morning or a night person.

I've been digging this hole I find myself in for a long time. It is no wonder that I'm hurting now. I have compared myself to other people for most of my life. I've tried to live up to what I think people's expectations are for me. I play out too many scenarios in my head hoping that it will happen this way only to be disappointed that it doesn't.

I want to be honest with the world that being single is not easy because no one else is. I want to let people in on the fact that the perks of singleness doesn't make it easier so please stop reminding me of them. I want to offer hope to those like me that feel alone by being alone with them. I don't know what it looks like to actually be content with being single because the only reason I've tried is so that I would find some one when I wasn't looking. (Oh how I HATE hearing that.)

There are so many blogs out there for moms/wives. I am ready for there to be one for people like me. Maybe there are some out there, but they haven't found me yet. I'd love to read them so suggest them please. But I also need a way of reaching and connecting with those that find themselves in a similar place as me.

This is a blog of honesty. I may be cynical at times. I need an outlet some where. I haven't decided if I will actually let people in on the fact that I'm writing this. Who knows?

I want to come to grips with reality. Community is what is in front of me. I am single. (You would think I would understand that by now, but for some reason I'm always hoping that it is only a temporary state of being. So far it isn't temporary.)

I don’t know that I'll be very insightful or have new ideas as to what it means to live as who we are created to be. I don't know if I will be inspirational. I don't know what I'll be writing about all the time or if I will update that often.

As you have already realized I will probably repeat myself.

I think the only thing I can promise here is honesty and authenticity. I need that for myself.