Cookie Cutter Shapes.

As I reflect on the past 5 years of interacting with my pastor, Heath Pearson, I realize that parts of my worldview have changed due to my interactions with this man and the words he spoke to our congregation over the years. I have always believed that each person is different, but somehow I thought that people were like cookie cutter shapes. There are many different cookie cutter shapes and variations. The thing about these cookie cutters is that they make multiple cookies of the same shape. I thought that was how people were different. There are different shapes, but multiples of different shapes.

When I first met Heath I felt very strongly about cookie cutter people. It became evident when I was frustrated with Heath's pastoral style. It was my belief that pastors were to be outgoing, enthusiastic people. It was their job to shake hands, greet people, counsel them, and seek people out. When Heath never did this I began to resent him. I was bitter and frustrated that my new pastor was not qualified to shepherd a flock correctly. He wasn't cut out to be a pastor. In my opinion as a sophomore in college he was trying to fit into a shape that he wasn't made to be. I was hurt that they would put such an introverted man in the position of pastor.

A message that Heath preached over 3 years ago convicted me of my bitterness towards him. I realized that I had wanted him to introduce himself to me and learn my name. I had wanted him to make me feel comfortable in the church, but I had been there before him. I had already established myself (somewhat) in the community. I asked for his forgiveness for acting that way. It was really awkward and uncomfortable to approach the man I thought was suppose to be a certain way and admit that I was in the wrong. I also had an expectation that because I made a step towards him that it would help him become the pastor I thought he was suppose to be, but again I was wrong.

I wanted to find another place to participate in church. I wanted to be a part of a church where the pastor knew my name, saw all of my potential, and asked me to be a leader. I was (and still am) a prideful person. Yet, for some reason, the Holy Spirit kept asking me to stay a part of this community. I didn't want to obey, but thankfully I did.

Heath also felt frustrated about our community at one point as well. I am thankful that he was obedient and stayed. I am thankful that he decided to allow God to use him. I am thankful for the redemption that took place in Heath's life. I thankful that God decided to use Heath and that we were able to learn so much from him.

Throughout the past five years I have been able to watch Heath become the pastor he was made to be. He didn't become the pastor I thought he was suppose to be, but I was able to learn how to play my own role in the community. We never became best buds, but he still impacted my life with his words, actions, and the people he discipled. Heath took us through difficult scriptures and unpacked them with hope and grace. He lead us with humility and authenticity. He allowed himself to be vulnerable with us and was willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of the community. Heath preached boldly and challenged our beliefs. He helped us see the world differently and allowed us the chance to grapple with difficult realities. He didn't sugar coat the gospel and he never gave us pat answers.

His messages about identity and hope have impacted my life. If I had left my community due to my frustration and bitterness toward Heath I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be continually struggling with the concept of grace because I would have continued to be content with rules. I would see people's issues instead of their potential. I would have viewed my counseling classes with little hope and tried to embark on this journey with determination to do it with no help from my community.

I realize that it was the God in Heath that made the lasting impact, but I am thankful that Heath was obedient and allowed God to use him the way he did. The 509 Community will forever be impacted by this man. Brother, you are missed, but we trust that you are pursuing what the Lord has asked of you.

 

 

Regrets?

I wrote the previous post a month ago and posted it only a few weeks ago. Since it had been a while since I actually read though it all the way I decided I may want to reread what I wrote. It was refreshing to read through it again. I was encouraged by the comments I received here, verbally, and through email. Thank you.

 
My mom asked me if I regretted what I posted since I had been so honestly raw in what I said. I've been thinking about it and questioning myself, but I have come to find that I do not regret it. I want there to be honesty about life that people can connect with. I write like this for several reasons. I write because I want to connect with others. I want to see people talk about things instead of hiding them from everyone (I don't mean everyone should broadcast what they are hiding, but at least talk to someone). I want some sort of outlet to express my thoughts about life and get feedback from people. I have learned and felt a lot of new things in the past couple of years and I feel a need to share it. I want to know I'm not the only one that thinks this and let others know they are not alone. I want to try something different.

 
For a while the Lord has reminded me that he has created me to be different. All of my life I have just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be able to dress like everyone else. I wanted to know music like everyone else. I wanted to quote movies or tv shows like everyone else. I've wanted to sing, know scripture, be outgoing, volunteer more, get grades, be content, be passionate, travel, make money, have friends, date, lead, and artsy like everyone else. But the Lord has been calling me to embrace who I am. This is hard. It takes discipline. It takes a lot of grace and that is something I struggle to understand. So I'm encouraged that I have people that will "walk" through this with me and connect with what is happening in my life as I go through this process.

 
Two verses that come to my mind as I try to walk this out are 1 Peter 1:16 and 2 Corinthians 10:4-5.


  1 Peter 1:16 says, "for it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" Betsy Hake (my mentor for an internship I did with Jericho Ministries) said that she looked up the Greek for holy. It means "no longer useful for ordinary life". I am not meant to live a normal, ho-hum life. I have been changed to live a life that is different and extraordinary. This is a helpful verse and a great reminder. Thanks, Betsy!


  2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says, "for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ." This verse is so powerful! As Christians we are equipped to with a divine power to destroy strongholds. DESTROY! Seriously that's awesome. I have had this thought that I would just have to deal with many strongholds for the rest of my life, but they can be demolished and torn down. That is exciting! The thing is though I believe that it is going to be a process. It is going to mean that I take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I believe I learned this in one of my grad school classes, but I'm not entirely sure. I was told to visualize a thought or image actually being chained or caged and placed at the feet of Christ and tell it to be obedient. I am amazed at how truth floods my mind when I do this.


 One of the things that kept me from starting a blog earlier is knowing that people I know will read this. People that I interact with at work, school, and church will know what is going on in my life and may make judgments on it or connect with it. I may say things here with vulnerability that may embarrass people. I can't say I'm sorry because I want there to be an avenue that people can talk about taboo topics and not feel like they are crazy. I hope to work through things tastefully and with discernment. If you have a concern please let me know. If you are going through similar things lets talk about it and help each other through this maze of life.

I wrote this during a solitude time trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted and took a picture of it on my cell phone. I'm still trying to convince myself...