I am tired of wishing I was someone else. I am tired of pretending that I'm okay with where I'm at, but I'm also tired of being discontent with where I am in life. I am tired of thinking that if I was dating or married that somehow life would be better for me. I am tired of comparing myself to others. I am tired of living this life the way that I have been living. I am tired of checking to see if anyone notices. I am tired of hoping that this one change will make a difference somehow. I am sick of hearing that it is okay to want something I don't have and to keep hoping it will one day happen. I am exhausted from thinking that my fairy tale is around the corner. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I am sick of the notion that if I was somewhere else that things would be better. I am tired of thinking that if I had made a different choice that it would have been the "right" thing. I am tired of hoping he's the one that will actually notice me. I'm tired of pretending I'm not human. I'm tired of wishing I was married just so that thinking about sex was okay. I wish I didn't have to act like being single was really awesome. I wish I actually thought being single was really awesome. I wish I actually believed that just because no one has asked me out doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me. I'm tired of hearing "don't worry you'll get married some day." I'm tired of pretending like my desire to be a mom isn't that big of a deal to me. I am sick of being ashamed of my love of photography because I'm not as good as some people. I am sick of reading blogs by inspirational wives/mothers because I wish I was them. I am sick of climbing into the bubble bath alone. I am tired of being alone. I wish I had that guy to call like everyone else… dating or not…at least they can go to sleep knowing that in the morning they can still think about him knowing he will probably call or will come when beckoned. I'm done trying to be everyone else's Katie.
I want to learn to be me. I want to learn to live with who I am right now.
Single.
Alone(ish).
Longing.
Hoping.
I want to embrace the fact that I like photography.
I want to be okay with me and not worry that I don’t look like everyone else when I do it.
I may not be called their "best friend" but I can still be their friend.
I don't know what it is like to be anyone else, but I think that is what I have always tried to be.
I can't be a counselor like Dr. Davis. I can't be a student like Naomi Woods. I am not an organizer like Steve Razor. I am not a photographer like Matt Ayers, Ashley Ray, Matt Gerlach, and all those other photographers I enjoy. I am not a roommate like any of the other girls in this house. I am not the girl that every guy wants to date. I am not a runway model and I don't have curvatious hips.
And maybe all of that is okay.
Maybe… I'm realizing… it is okay to be a counselor like Katie Razor. Maybe it is okay to be a student like Katie Razor. Maybe it is okay to organize like Katie Razor. Maybe being a photographer like Katie Razor is actually good enough. Maybe being me is the way I'm suppose to be a roommate. Maybe I'm just a girl that guys _____________________________. (I have absolutely no idea.) Maybe being petite is fine and my hips don't need to be wider. Maybe being me is all I can be.
If I don't do things the way I was made to then no one else will.
Maybe I don't have to fit in all the categories given. Maybe I'm both introverted and extroverted. Maybe I will never be a morning or a night person.
I've been digging this hole I find myself in for a long time. It is no wonder that I'm hurting now. I have compared myself to other people for most of my life. I've tried to live up to what I think people's expectations are for me. I play out too many scenarios in my head hoping that it will happen this way only to be disappointed that it doesn't.
I want to be honest with the world that being single is not easy because no one else is. I want to let people in on the fact that the perks of singleness doesn't make it easier so please stop reminding me of them. I want to offer hope to those like me that feel alone by being alone with them. I don't know what it looks like to actually be content with being single because the only reason I've tried is so that I would find some one when I wasn't looking. (Oh how I HATE hearing that.)
There are so many blogs out there for moms/wives. I am ready for there to be one for people like me. Maybe there are some out there, but they haven't found me yet. I'd love to read them so suggest them please. But I also need a way of reaching and connecting with those that find themselves in a similar place as me.
This is a blog of honesty. I may be cynical at times. I need an outlet some where. I haven't decided if I will actually let people in on the fact that I'm writing this. Who knows?
I want to come to grips with reality. Community is what is in front of me. I am single. (You would think I would understand that by now, but for some reason I'm always hoping that it is only a temporary state of being. So far it isn't temporary.)
I don’t know that I'll be very insightful or have new ideas as to what it means to live as who we are created to be. I don't know if I will be inspirational. I don't know what I'll be writing about all the time or if I will update that often.
As you have already realized I will probably repeat myself.
I think the only thing I can promise here is honesty and authenticity. I need that for myself.
