Still learning...

Today marks the one year anniversary of my last post. I can't believe that I haven't updated this in that long. I have had many blurbs I started, but my perfectionistic tendencies and desire to make everyone happy have kept me from allowing myself to be me.

This past year has been an incredible journey of new experiences. It is hard to know where to start. I remember starting out 2011 feeling uncertain of who I was, but desiring to find out more. I had no idea what that would entail or what it was that I would find. I feared that there would be very little to find and that I was pathetic. Fortunately I found out that I have more to offer than I expected.

I remember the night I wrote my first blog post. It was a place of surrender. I was sick of trying to be who everyone else thought I was suppose to be. I was sick of holding it in that I hated being single. I wanted to be free of thinking that there was something wrong with me and that is what kept men from paying attention to me in a romantic way. I had bottled things up and felt lonely, desperate,  inadequate, and bitter. I thought that I had hidden it from everyone, only to find out that I had hurt people by not letting them in on what was really going on with me.

During that year I learned a lot about grace. I learned that I'm not a victim and need to take an active role fighting against what I hate. So I started to make changes. I started believing that I could "pull off" certain outfits just because I wore it with confidence and I liked it. I started to believe that if I was open to someone setting me up with a guy I could actually go on dates. I eventually believed that I was competent as a counselor and that I could work with people and see them change. I began to see that confrontation didn't mean that I had to take complete responsibility and that I could stand up for myself. I started to accept what others saw in me, but allowed myself room to be different than who they thought I should be. I accepted the fact that not knowing pop culture didn't mean that I didn't have anything to relate with.

I am by no means cured. I continue to struggle with being ashamed of not having things together. I continue to have high standards for myself at times, but I now see that I don’t have to continue living with those lies. I have loved ones in my life that I actually let in on what's going on instead of trying to get my act together on my own. It may be my battle, but I'm learning I don't have to fight it alone.

I'm not sure about what I want to do with this blog, but I think I'd like to reflect on some of the things I have hinted at and let you in on some of the first time experiences I have had. I also want to share links to blogs that have been helpful for me to read. Who knows… I am not sure what this year will look like or what time I'll have to share, but I am not ready to give up this blog quite yet.