I wrote this post at the beginning of December, but didn't post it because the next day I wasn't "feeling" the grace. And for me when I don't "feel it" it makes it harder for me to trust that I actually believe in it. Grace is a concept that I don't always understand and I have continually failed to accept so I didn't post this because I feared that I would quit accepting grace.
Grace: the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Pasted from <http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grace?r=75>
I love structure. I am not very great at creating structure, but when it is set up for me I am reassured that there are rules, expectations, and boundaries. I enjoy strict leaders and syllabi that never change. I know how to please when it is written out for me. I like grades, sticker charts, bonuses, and words of affirmation.
Problems arise from my love of and inability to create structure. I have given God the attribute of having high expectations, strict rules, and rigid boundaries. I have tried to create "structure" for myself by having high expectations for myself. I place expectations on others and believe that they have certain expectations for me.
All of this is an attempt to create structure for myself. If I believe that these expectations and rules exist then I feel that I have something toe measure myself by. This structure is unsound and falls on a regular basis, but I love it so I pick up the pieces and start over again. I tell myself that I must read my Bible and pray regularly in order to be good enough, but since I am not very good at doing this I fall short and am disappointed with myself because I believe that I am not pleasing God. I expect that I should be a perfect roommate by picking up my mess, being attentive, cleaning dishes, seeing things that need to be cleaned, and reminding people that bills are due soon, but again I'm not good at that and I begin to feel like a failure. I have high expectations for the way that I perform in school or in my church community, and again I'm not quite up to par. I constantly fail at being a great friend and daughter. But then again there are times when I do everything I can and I seem to be good at those things and finally I am good enough to be a Christian (because I'm self-righteous, which I then realize again that I have failed and my structure collapses).
I have recognized this cycle since my sophomore year in college. I have wrestled with grace and found it to be unsettling and frightening. There are times when I would much rather be a slave to legalism just so I can be comforted by the rules. I don't understand why God would love me when I don't measure up or have it all together. Why doesn't he expect that out of me? I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that he loves, accepts, and desires me.
When I started this blog six months ago I named it "Learning to be Just Me" because I thought it would be an avenue to express my struggle with being single. Little did I know that my struggle wasn't with that, but my inability to be myself because of my personal expectations. I struggle to be myself because I'm always expecting to be someone else. I had created rules that kept me bound to trying to be someone I am not. I thought if I could live up to what I thought people expected of me that I would be happy because they were happy, but I have never found that happiness satisfying or long lasting.
My encouraging and inspiring friend, Kelly Sharpe, gave me a copy of The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning to read and I am learning about grace that changes and restores. God is showing me who He really is and not who I thought he was. For the first time in a while I don't feel like He expects me be someone I can't be. I finally don't see a God with his arms crossed shaking His head in disappointment, but a God that is waiting patiently for me to turn to Him and see His open arms. I am content because I know how much God loves me and wants me to be exactly who He created me to be. I still struggle with believing that God loves me where I am at and for who I am, but I am beginning to see the Truth sooner than I once did. Grace is exciting, liberating, and life-giving, but it is also unsettling. I say that it is unsettling because I am learning what it means to be me and I have a lot to learn about who I really am and sometimes I just want to have it figured out already.
So here's to year double ones and learning what it really means to be just me.
Hey Katie,
ReplyDeleteI know I don't really know you that well (which I'd like to change) but I hope you don't mind my input on this.
I completely feel you on this.
Particularly the last couple of weeks have been horrible, as God has been convicting me left and right of all my mess-ups. I had been taking it as Him pointing out that I'm a piece of crap compared to His glory, but I think I understand it now. He's not doing that at all..He's pointing out how much I need His grace because I've been subconsciously pulling away from Him again.
I too often try to think of things as black and white. If you do this, God will love you. If you do that, God will turn away from you because you're no longer deserving of His love. I forget that little (read: HUGE) grace factor that's involved.
Dealing with grace has to be one of the hardest things of a Christian's life. It tells us that we ARE good enough to be in God's presence even with all of our short comings, while the world around us constantly shoves it in our face that we aren't good enough for lesser things. Two complete opposites there..one side says we're good enough for the most high, all powerful, all knowing God, while the other says we aren't good enough for simple worldly things. Still beats me why we always end up listening to the worldly opinion.
Thanks for posting this. It's helped me out as well. I may steal a part of it and put it on my Tumblr if you don't mind.
'i struggle to be myself because i'm always expecting to be someone else'
ReplyDeletewow katie - thank you for putting it into words for me. and your humility - amazing.
Thank you for deciding to post this, Katie. It's quite eye-opening for me.
ReplyDelete