Regrets?

I wrote the previous post a month ago and posted it only a few weeks ago. Since it had been a while since I actually read though it all the way I decided I may want to reread what I wrote. It was refreshing to read through it again. I was encouraged by the comments I received here, verbally, and through email. Thank you.

 
My mom asked me if I regretted what I posted since I had been so honestly raw in what I said. I've been thinking about it and questioning myself, but I have come to find that I do not regret it. I want there to be honesty about life that people can connect with. I write like this for several reasons. I write because I want to connect with others. I want to see people talk about things instead of hiding them from everyone (I don't mean everyone should broadcast what they are hiding, but at least talk to someone). I want some sort of outlet to express my thoughts about life and get feedback from people. I have learned and felt a lot of new things in the past couple of years and I feel a need to share it. I want to know I'm not the only one that thinks this and let others know they are not alone. I want to try something different.

 
For a while the Lord has reminded me that he has created me to be different. All of my life I have just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be able to dress like everyone else. I wanted to know music like everyone else. I wanted to quote movies or tv shows like everyone else. I've wanted to sing, know scripture, be outgoing, volunteer more, get grades, be content, be passionate, travel, make money, have friends, date, lead, and artsy like everyone else. But the Lord has been calling me to embrace who I am. This is hard. It takes discipline. It takes a lot of grace and that is something I struggle to understand. So I'm encouraged that I have people that will "walk" through this with me and connect with what is happening in my life as I go through this process.

 
Two verses that come to my mind as I try to walk this out are 1 Peter 1:16 and 2 Corinthians 10:4-5.


  1 Peter 1:16 says, "for it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" Betsy Hake (my mentor for an internship I did with Jericho Ministries) said that she looked up the Greek for holy. It means "no longer useful for ordinary life". I am not meant to live a normal, ho-hum life. I have been changed to live a life that is different and extraordinary. This is a helpful verse and a great reminder. Thanks, Betsy!


  2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says, "for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ." This verse is so powerful! As Christians we are equipped to with a divine power to destroy strongholds. DESTROY! Seriously that's awesome. I have had this thought that I would just have to deal with many strongholds for the rest of my life, but they can be demolished and torn down. That is exciting! The thing is though I believe that it is going to be a process. It is going to mean that I take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I believe I learned this in one of my grad school classes, but I'm not entirely sure. I was told to visualize a thought or image actually being chained or caged and placed at the feet of Christ and tell it to be obedient. I am amazed at how truth floods my mind when I do this.


 One of the things that kept me from starting a blog earlier is knowing that people I know will read this. People that I interact with at work, school, and church will know what is going on in my life and may make judgments on it or connect with it. I may say things here with vulnerability that may embarrass people. I can't say I'm sorry because I want there to be an avenue that people can talk about taboo topics and not feel like they are crazy. I hope to work through things tastefully and with discernment. If you have a concern please let me know. If you are going through similar things lets talk about it and help each other through this maze of life.

I wrote this during a solitude time trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted and took a picture of it on my cell phone. I'm still trying to convince myself...